Saturday, April 21, 2012

Do Strippers Make Better Lovers?

While I was in the Navy, I went to a three month seminar on the Libyan dialect of Arabic at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.  BYU is a Mormon college.  I have no idea why the seminar was there.  The instructor was married to a Mormon woman.  I think it was just a location of convenience.

Being in the Navy and going to a seminar meant that I lived in a hotel for three months.  As I was living in a hotel, I used the pool almost every day.  The hotel had a pool and a hot tub.  Most of the time, I had both completely to myself.

One day, I went down to the pool and there were five or six women in the hot tub.  Apparently, one of them had turned 21 and they were having a party.  When I arrived, they thought I was a stripper for the party.  After clearing up the misunderstanding, and narrowly keeping my shorts, I talked to a couple of them for a while.

The next day, I wanted to ask one of them out, but I couldn't remember her name.  All I could remember was where she had said she worked.  I called the store where she worked and described her, eventually getting her on the phone.  She was surprised that I called to ask her out.  She expected me to ask about her friend.

Linda and I went out several times over the next months.  She had two children and an evil ex-boyfriend.  While I was at her house once, he stopped by to throw insults and threats and tried to damage her car.  He was such a wonderful guy.  I'm glad I didn't get to know him.

There is an evil party game you can play with people.  It is a sort of brain teaser.  Take an empty bottle, wine bottle, beer bottle, something with a decent neck.  The bottle needs to be dry.  Place the bottle on its side on a table and place a cigarette in the neck, flush with the top of the bottle.  Now, challenge people to get the cigarette out without touching the bottle.  The most common response is to try to suck it out by sucking really hard.  This can lead to all kinds of interesting innuendo.

One day, in my hotel room, I challenged Linda to this puzzle.  I had some innuendo in mind.  Our flirting grew pretty serious and I offered to give her a massage.  We had been seeing each other for a week or two and had never done more than kiss.  She removed her shirt and lay on the bed and I started massaging her back.  I can give a pretty good massage when I've a mind to and I made sure she enjoyed it.

After a while, with a beautiful woman lying on the bed under me with no shirt or bra, the obvious was expected to happen.  Unfortunately, I realized I had no desire to have sex with her.  During the intimate massage, I had smelled her and pheromones were not in my favor.   Needless to say, the rest of that evening was uncomfortable.

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